1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
