after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
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your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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