if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
