just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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