Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
