Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
