Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
This house was built for laser tag.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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