I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
