Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
