i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
