I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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