Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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