You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
