I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
They have beer where we have blood.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
