I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
