My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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