I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
