White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
