she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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