this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
