If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
