So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
