I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
