Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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