I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
