just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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