Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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