College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
