DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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