: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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