My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
