i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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