I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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