guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
