i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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