My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
