im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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