what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
