Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
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I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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