She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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