found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were trust falling into bushes
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
