last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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