the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
