You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
