he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Someone came in the potted fern
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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