i already hear my dad disowning me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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