I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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