i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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