i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
