oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
