I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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