I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So vagazzling was a success
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