and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
