Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
sarcasm needs its own font
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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