You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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