every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
