Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
