Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
