I wish my penis had an off switch
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
