So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
