where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
