my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
